Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
