just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
