Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
