have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
