Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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