His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
