like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
