Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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