oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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