I think scott just propositioned me for sex
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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