Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
