getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
