My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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