Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
