it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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