Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
