I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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