Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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