Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
