Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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