The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
