I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
