You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
