i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think I am morally bankrupt
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
