The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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