Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
