she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
