it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
