Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
