my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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