I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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