I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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