I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
