70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have already put on my inside pants.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
