Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Randomize
