her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
