I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Blood and glitter go together right?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
