Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
