Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
