chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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