So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
