I haven't been this sober since birth.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
