He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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