Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
