I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
