i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
