Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
