I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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