upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
