He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize